A confession

She needs me. However long it takes.

Math and I have had a complicated relationship.

We first met in my kindergarten.

I know it was too early to be serious.

But we understood each other.

I thought we did.

Until he had my primary school teacher test on me.

I felt betrayed.

Against my will, he wanted to meet my parents.

I’m underage. It’s kinda illegal.

But he wouldn’t listen.

Dad was livid.

Conquer that little shit. He demanded.

 

So I managed. I created my marching orders.

Fast is never fast enough.
The cream rises to the top.
Hard work pays off.
Don’t you dare quitting.
Be the change. 

 

I talked with swagger.

I walked like a New Yawker.

I was going places.

I shoved that kid to the dodgy end.

She begged me.

I kicked her in the teeth.

She got lost.

Give me a map. Nope.

How ’bout an iPhone? Not gonna happen.

 

I’m a thirty-year-old now.

The weight on my chest is crushing me.

I can’t breathe.

I wonder how she’s been doing.

I found her.

It wasn’t hard.

She ain’t pretty.

She is the Elephant in the room, couching on my chest, weighing five tons, give or take.

Geez, what’s eating you?

I was perplexed.  There is nothing here except the moss.

She glanced over at me.

Plenty to feast on.

Anger. Rage. Frustration. Sadness. Melancholy. Distress. Misery. Depression…

Your shit nourishes me.

Let’s go to the gym.

Let’s go Whole Foods.

 

I tried to push her out of the alley.

It was a tall order.

My training shall pay off.

But she didn’t move.

We were stuck.

Well, she was.

I was spent.

I lost it.

You fatso.

Don’t you dare quitting.
Hard work pays off.
Be the change.

Com’on. Let’s go!

Uh-huh, doesn’t work on me.

I’m immune now.

 

Here is my confession:

I’m a Bully with a capital B.

I’ll stop typing now.

She needs me down there.

However long it takes.

 

Yours truly,
YZ

Author: Rock Bottom with YZ

YZ is a Shanghai-born LA-trained bilingual storyteller in various spheres.

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