I’m back, stronger, healthier, and more balanced.
For awhile I couldn’t see myself back. When I was at my lowest, I didn’t see the point of coming back, ever again. That voice was taking hold: You don’t matter. Nor does your voice. So shut up and piss off.
So I did. For two months.
During the period of my cock blocking my own blog, a dear friend asked when I would update again. I said I was busy. Truth is, I was. But I still found time to watch Colbert, follow the US politics shitshow, and binge HBO’s Barry and Insecure, Hulu’s PEN15 and Ramy… so what kind of lame excuse was that, right?
A few things to update here:
- One of the films I wrote just won Best of Fest, first of hopefully many awards during the festival season;
- I’ve almost finished my first ever comedy spec pilot script after tons of rewrite… I’m already nervous AF about the feedbacks.
- My teaching at the arts college has been going well. My students seem to like my class and I have a steady stream of followers who sit in for my class;
- Because of this teaching gig, I would very likely land another teaching gig for the fall semester at an institute whose values I share. Things would likely to unfold in a matter of a fortnight;
- I’m now collaborating with three people on three separate creative projects. It’s a lovely change for someone who used to work alone;
- My negotiation skills are now officially next level:
a) I set boundaries with a bloodsucker (*see definition in the footnote) by upholding my dignity, telling him to fuck off without actually dropping the F-bomb.
b) When a wannabe writer asked me for rewrite service, I told her my fees, which in turn shocked her the shitless. “I didn’t know screenwriting can cost this much.” My OS: Well, bitch, now you know. You don’t question the lawyer when she charges you by the hour. Or your therapist. Or your dentist. Just because you vomitted 100 pages doesn’t make them un-stink… It went on like this for a bit in my own head. I was caught off guard by my epic animosity towards this stranger who I had never met and possibly would never meet. I took a Sorkin-esque walk-and-talk. Then something hit me: when someone doesn’t see the value I provide, I get frustrated. My ego screams, “They don’t see what I see, and thus I don’t value what I think I’m worth.” It was all fear talking… Sure in the end, I scared away a potential client, but I got in touch with my own psyche.
- I threw myself back into the dating pool. Quite a cliche move ‘cuz I felt I was in a rut with my writing projects. Now I wanted to seek validation from elsewhere. Bingo: men. Regardless of all the debates why I should focus on my work and my work alone, my strongest inner voice fought on, “Bitch , I need to live. I need to feel like an actual natural woman. I need to feel that I’ve got game. Just fuckin’ do it already!” Without getting into too much detail, I’m pleased to report that I’m doing quite okay. I’ve learned that I’m beautiful just the way I am (Yo, Bruno Mars). And here’s the list of key findings from my dating adventure:
a) I’m a good listener.
b) I’m a fun conversationalist.
c) I’m told that I’m a pair of bossy fancy pants – which 99% of the Chinese men don’t dig but fine by me. #theirloss
d) Could flirtation actually be my mother tongue? Hmm…
e) Even though I’m a feminist who doesn’t wear it on her sleeves, I enjoy being pampered and seeing men pick up the tabs without making it weird or a big fucking deal.
f) Trial and error also works in dating. Gurls and gents, don’t quit on your first unsuccessful date. Assess why it didn’t go well and charge the fuck on.
g) More often than I’d like to admit, I sometimes have out of body experience that I would start writing scenes at an imaginary desk. Beware, #pervertwriter aboard…
h) I’ll have to save more for later for now.
After two fucking months of blog drought, I’ll close this post with something my dear friend Barbara shared in our recent Zoom call:
Nobody else is the source of change to our destiny. The bread actually sits right on our heads, but most of us look everywhere else just for crumbs… Don’t ever minimize the purpose of your life.
We get to live just once. So live it well. Make it count.
That’s it for today. #illbebacktmr
*Bloodsucker: one powerful individual who wants to pick your brains and suck your blood dry but doesn’t value or respect your time. Let alone consider the $$$$$ it fucking entails.
*A reader of my blog reached out asking for some English writing advice. I was touched by the sincerity between the lines. To rw: Thank you for getting in touch. You’re a Messenger sent by Higher Power who commands my presence in the blog sphere. Thank you, dear.